Guilt

The last month has been a whirlwind of emotion for me.  I think it all started when Landon woke up with a fever in the middle of December.  Five days, two doctor visits, countless doses of Tylenol, a urinalysis, and bloodwork later there was no discovered “reason.”  On day five the fever ended and he was back to his normal self – strange and overwhelming because it was the first real “illness” we had.  Through some one on one parenting we managed to keep it contained to only one child.  Flash forward one month (exactly) to January 9^th and we had another fever.  I called the doctor first thing in the morning and they wanted to see him that day.  I had to hold back the tears several times during that appointment.  His fever was still almost 103 by the time we got to the doctor and there was concern because there wasn’t an apparent cause.  After another catheter experience they ruled out a urinary infection.  A heel prick blood work revealed a higher than normal white blood cell count – apparently it was high enough to cause some “red flags.”  The poor guy then had to have a venous blood draw (for which they wrapped him in a towel except for his arm and held him down – not sure who was more traumatized, me or him) for blood cultures.  Scary words like “sepsis” were dropped around the room and Google revealed that to be a scary diagnosis as well.  We were sent home to wait… and worry… and wait… and worry.  

At this point, I learned what no one had shared with me.  Guilt will overcome you when it comes to your children.  Should I have followed up with the doctor when nothing came of the fever? Is it my fault he was sick again? Should I have done something differently? Needless to say your mind can run a million times a minute when you are “waiting.”  During the night, he developed a cough and I was actually grateful to have another “symptom.”  Back at the doctor again the next day and we were told the blood cultures were looking good so far and after one more test we came back with a positive diagnosis for RSV.  An answer, not a good one, but an answer.  There is not a whole lot you can do for RSV but my favorite thing – wait.  Again we were sent home to do just that.

 The cough progressed some on Saturday and by Saturday evening the sound of the cough had changed.  He now sounded like a cross between a barking dog and a seal.  At 11:30pm after a particularly rough coughing fit that scared both the Hubby and I we quickly packed a back and I drove Landon to the ER.  Probably one of the most intense drives of my life because I couldn’t see/touch him while I was driving and I knew he was struggling with coughing and catching his breath.  After an oral steroid and a breathing treatment my little man was breathing better and resting comfortably.  

The week progressed and there was improvements with the cough.  That Friday, despite our best efforts, Riley woke up with a fever in the middle of the night. After yet another trip to the doctor, Riley was officially diagnosed with RSV and an ear infection.  Landon had been diagnosed with an ear infection at his six month check up the night before, so in typical twin fashion, they ended up with the exact same diagnosis. They are both doing better day by day.

Landon’s (and mommy’s) traumatic stories don’t end there.  The Hubby and I had noticed a few “differences” with Landon and Riley’s development.  He isn’t yet rolling from back to front and he does not even seem to want to try. He tends to turn his feet in and is very reluctant to put his feet down and “stand.”  My biggest concern was the shape of his head.  We brought all of this up at his six month check up – especially after filling out the questionnaire. (You know the one: Can your six month old pick up a raisin with two fingers and hand it to you behind his back while dribbling a ball with his left big toe?)  It became even more apparent that Landon is a bit “behind.” 

It is odd how I knew going in to the appointment that there was something to discuss, but after the doctor threw out the words “developmental delays” that scary monster guilt came back.  Should I have been working with him more? Is there something I did wrong? Is he going to be able to catch up?  We were given a prescription for physical therapy as well as an evaluation with Cranial Technologies for the possible “helmet” need.  Cue the continued guilt at the appointment today.  Landon was diagnosed with moderate to several plagiocephaly (flat head).  They are also concerned with his neck muscles and recommended physical therapy – no worries, already have that one scheduled.  Cue the MASSIVE amounts of guilt from the rest of my afternoon.  Should I have moved him around more? I could have done more tummy time. I should have insisted the doctor send us for an evaluation when I first noticed the issue.  Since Landon is older he will have to wear the DOCband for 3-4 months.  Can you imagine wearing a hat for 4 months straight? He is going to have to wear it 23 hours a day.  Needless to say, I came home in tears – so overwhelmed with feelings, information, and knowing I will have to ensure he gets to all of these appointments over the next several months.  The Hubby brought me back to reality when he put me in front of Landon, made him smile, and said, “Look, he is a healthy and happy baby that just happens to need a helmet and a little physical therapy.”  Landon gave me a half smile and all became right again.