'Rona, 'Rona Go Away...

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One positive - I don't have to remember all the places we have been in the last few months. ha ha.  The kids have basically not left the house since March 14th.  The hubby has (luckily) been able to work from home during this time and I have had to continue to go to work. We try to leave the house as little as possible and only one of us does the grocery shopping.  We have gone to a few drive thrus to pick up food and a few short drives - but nothing more than that.  We talked to them and explained the corona virus and the impact it was going to have on our life.  They got it and have done amazingly well for the most part.  Riley misses playing with friends and going to school, but Landon really seems indifferent.  They do seem to be growing in their bond though.  I asked them the other night who their best friend was and Landon immediately said Riley and pointed out where he had written BFF and their names in the front cover of his notebook.  My heart about melted....  Landon has now lost three teeth - well he lost one in his food on Christmas day, one was pulled due to a tooth growing behind it, and the third one I pulled the other night when I found out how loose it was.  He did crash on his skates about two weeks ago and I was certain a tooth was lost when I saw the amount of blood in his mouth but it was mostly from the inside of his upper lip.  Overall, he has thankfully been really healthy lately and the allergies have finally subsided - hallelujah - so he doesn't sound super nasally anymore either.  The last illness we had was earlier in the year when he spiked a pretty high fever (103.5) for several days and was treated for the flu.  We had them weight themselves the other night and he was 43.6 pounds and 46 inches tall.  He is still wearing a size 12 shoe, but my gut is telling me that is feet are actually bigger and I should probably be getting him new shoes ha ha. He is mostly wearing a 4/5 in clothes - he hasn't hit his growth spurt yet but I imagine it will be coming! His hair is super long right now and I might have to cut it soon because he is sweating like crazy under his helmet when he skates.  Landon LOVES to skate. He asks to skate daily and is actually really good! The first time he asked to skate on our neighborhood walk I brought his shoes along because I was convinced that he would not be able to make it the whole time - but he powered through and our walks have been getting longer and he just keeps skating.  He will not, however, ride his bike at all.  The hubby removed the training wheels mid-March and I don't think he has touched the bike but one time since. Landon is thriving with doing school at home.  We had a parent teacher conference right before school let out and she said that Landon was well on track with is reading and would very much likely end the kindergarten year at a level of reading from mid- first grade.  She said she was most impressed with his math and felt like he could "see the numbers in his head."  He has always loved math and has been doing multiplication for a while now.  He flies through is math from school and I ordered him a first-grade math book to up the challenge.  He loves science and watching shows about animals, putting together his kiwi crates, and anything else he can do science related.  He builds anything and everything with his Legos.  Currently he wants to be a "Scientist that can build robots" and he spends time drawing robots (or Pokemon) balls on everything. He loves to talk and tell jokes and is even starting to get the punchline correct at times.  He LOVES to dance and is constantly developing his own dance moves - especially down the middle of the road on his roller skates. My biggest challenge with him (already) is keeping him off the electronics.  In his (and my) defense he usually wants to play an educational game, but he does love his Lego Avengers on the x-box and playing Mine Craft on his tablet.  He quickly becomes upset when he is told no, but then usually will find something to distract himself with. His current favorite toy is his stuffed animal that doubles as a tablet holder.  He tends to attach to one toy/animal and that is his favorite until he is done and moves on to something new.  He sleeps with about 8 animals all piled on top of his head.  He plays with his Legos and his hot wheels tracks and boxes - he loves cardboard boxes and thanks to Amazon we have a plentiful supply. As I said before LOVES to play video games and any game on an electronic.  We have to limit the time and encourage him to play the educational games, but he has a HUGE imagination when left to himself. They play kitchen together, store, build forts, create cities, and most recently developed some intricate game called honey bees where they fly around the house collecting pollen.  His favorite show was Lego Masters, but that is done for the season so he likes to watch Bluey on Disney and the Loud House on Nickelodeon.  He reads to himself in bed at night and likes to read just about anything.  He is most impressive to me when he reads Dr. Seuss books all by himself.  His favorite foods are macaroni and cheese, poptarts, and muffins and he remains a picky eater.  He doesn't like a lot of meat, but he will eat cheeseburgers and chicken nuggets.   He still loves his chocolate milk, but has been willing to increase his water for me. They are both basically snacking machines now that they are home all day.  Riley is struggling a bit more than Landon with all the changes in the house.  She gets upset several times a week about me having to go to work and the Hubby staying home.   We have been working with her on her anxiety as it has led to a couple of epic meltdowns.  The poor girl has inherited her anxiety honestly and is learning to cope with it.  We have stressed to her the importance of her honesty in telling us what is bothering her.  We have recently had many conversations about her worries regarding transitioning to first grade and not knowing where the classrooms are and not knowing the teachers or the routines.  She has indicated frustration with doing her school work at home and feeling that she is "being yelled at" when she doesn't understand something.  Both the Hubby and I have been trying to do better with our communication as she is sensitive and it is heartbreaking to see her upset; however, it does not take much to upset her. Example- she ran into me with her bike earlier and then she broke down crying because she thought she hurt me even though I made minimal response despite the pain.  Riley is down two teeth.  She lost her first tooth last month when she ran into the back of Landon’s eazy roller.  I was looking away at that moment and have zero idea how it actually happened, but I snapped to attention with the screaming and blood and then began my mission to find a tiny tooth on the sidewalk.  Tooth number two came out when they were playing in a fort and when asked how it happened, she said, “I don’t want to talk about it.” She has at least one other loose tooth, so we will see how that one manages to fall out.  Riley weighs 58 pounds – we made her weigh herself twice the other day when she told us the number because neither one of us believed her.  She is also 48 inches tall, so I guess we should not have been so surprised by the weight.  She is wearing a 7/8 in clothes – so I basically have had to buy pants twice since the school year started.  She is also wearing a size 12 shoe, but like her brother, I should probably be going up a size.  Overall, she has also been really healthy and had only a few days of her allergy issues this Spring.   Thankfully, the Hubby had at least one child take after his passion for biking.  Riley is obsessed with riding her bike and as a result a new fancy big girl bike was purchased for her earlier this year.  She rides her bike daily and has gone on a few short trails and even a few short races in January.  She was pretty proud of her medals! She has zero interest in her roller skates, but she does like to play soccer and catch.  We had signed her up for t-ball also and she did pretty well with the couple practices and is excited to do t-ball in the Fall.  She loves to play with her dolls and I surprised her earlier this year with a Barbie Dream House I found on consignment.  I had NO IDEA how large those things are and it barely fit in my car and is literally taller than her, but she and Landon love it.  She also loves her dolls and all her stuffed animals.  They like to play pretend and become doctors for their stuffed animals.  Riley LOVES to draw and color and no piece of paper in the house is safe. She also has an affinity for gluing things together and using WAY too much glue.  Crafting is definitely her passion and maybe someday the crafts will advance from felt, ribbon, and crazy eyes glued to a paper plate.  Her current favorite show is Bluey and she informed me her favorite movie is The Little Mermaid. She likes her books and has been caught lately reading outloud to herself.  Her reading skills are definitely improving and she is not as easily frustrated when she is reading.  Her favorite books are usually about princesses or unicorns.  She told me her favorite toy is her Jessie (from Toy Story) doll.  She likes to play games on her tablet, but not as much as Landon loves his games.   When the virus changed our schedule, we had just started swimming and t-ball on top of our dance, tumbling, and scouts.  We had one swim lesson and a couple of t-ball practices before our life got less hectic.  I can't say that I completely mind it.  I like not feeling rushed and spending the evenings at home.  I like the family walks through the neighborhood.  I cuddling up to watch a movie with no other plans and let’s be honest, I LOVE being able to put my pajamas on right after work. We did manage to surprise them with a trip to Great Wolf Lodge for a night in February. Riley attended her first daddy daughter dance with the Hubby and she loved being able to dress up. Since mid-March, most of our activity has been walks around the neighborhood, crafts at home, baking, and projects around the house.  Neither the Hubby nor I have big plans to take the kids out into crowds anytime soon, but we also know we can’t stay home forever.  We do plan to be cautious with the kids and they have masks of their own to wear when we go out; however, with me starting back to school at the end of the month and continuing to work full time I don’t think we will be going out very often anyway…  Discovery Place Science - pre 'rona Chopsticks! First time skating - can't stop him now! 100th Day of School Daddy Daughter Dance Surprise Trip to Great Wolf Lodge Angel Bowl One of our 2 t-ball practices So excited for this doughnut... Glow in the dark egg hunt She is driving a school bus.

Not your typical post...

This is not going to be your typical blog post from me – no updates on the kids.  I will say they are doing well and adjusting to what has been called our “new normal.”  I am sure that I will get an actual updated post on them in the near future, but this one is about me.  

I have dealt with feelings of anxiety my whole life. If you imagine, an average person lives life at a level 1 and a “simple” stressor (ie being late) brings them up to a 2 and it increases from there based on the person and the stressor.  I live my live somewhere between a 3 and a 4 on the daily, so even something as “simple” as being late puts me at a 5. Dirty/unorganized house = me at a 6, whereas someone without an anxiety disorder may never even get to a level 6.  Now this pandemic has me pushing levels I have never reached before.  I have had MANY crying spells, several moments of panic and rapid breathing, heart palpitations, nausea, headaches, and what can only be called depressive episodes.  Most of my feelings of anxiety stem from situations where I feel out of control – and how in the hell does one feel in control during a national crisis? I worry about EVERYTHING.  I HAD to buy Lysol and Clorox wipes and toilet paper in the beginning because I felt like I didn’t have enough.  The panic of others increased my anxiety, but buying those items put me back in control again for a little bit.  I HAD to double my usual grocery order because I was afraid of not having enough.  I HAD to stockpile meat and canned goods and snacks for the kids.  I HAD to get craft supplies and paper and school supplies and projects to keep them busy.  My head was telling me that I HAD to do all of these things in order to “survive” and my heart knew better, but the head one that round.  I am trying not to let my head win anymore, but each day presents a new challenge.  Most days are “okay” but more than once I have found myself crying in the shower or my closet because I don’t want the kids to see my fear.  Pat told me once when I was worried about ALL the things I need to take care of that his job isn’t easy either, he has to take care of me.  He asks me many times a day if I am okay, if I am sure I am okay, if there is anything he can do for me and the answer is always that I am fine and there is nothing he can do.  Really there isn’t anything anyone else can do for me – I have to do “it” for myself.  I have to make the decisions to not let things overwhelm me.  I have to make the decision to step back and stay in control of what I can and not worry about what I can’t control – which is a tough thing to do when so much of the world feels out of control right now. 

I am grateful to have a job and also terrified to go to work every day.  The kids have not left the house/neighborhood/car since March 14^th.  We spent the days before that gathering some extra groceries and supplies for some projects around the house.  We had several long conversations with them about “the virus” and how it was going to impact our daily life and routine.  We talked about how we would be going out less in order to protect ourselves and others.  We discussed the importance of washing our hands.  We explained to them that daddy would be staying home, school would be done at home, all activities (tball, swimming, dance, scouts) were cancelled, and that mommy would still have to go to work.  The hardest part for them is that Mommy still has to go to work and until two days ago, they were handling it all pretty well.  We have seen a lot of regression/difficult behaviors in the last few days.  There has been an increase in meltdowns and tears and I can see the anxiety on Riley’s little face especially.  She is worried and frustrated and doesn’t know how to handle it – seems like I have passed my anxiety on to my little one.  Trying to help her cope with her feelings is only causing my feelings of anxiety to increase.  Her anxiety is just another worry to add to my (currently long) list.  My amazing neighbor has loaned me some books and resources for Riley, but I am hoping that they can help me as well.  I think we are both in need of some coping strategies for sure. 

The hardest part for me to handle was having to cancel my trip back to Illinois for Easter.  I miss my family and it is very hard for me to be away from them at a time like this.  I acknowledge that I am not the only one that is struggling with this right now.  In fact, I am kind of grateful that my family is so far away because I would find it ridiculously challenging to not see my family if they were in the same town! All these pictures on Facebook of people taking their kids to see grandparents through doors and windows make me tear up every single time! The not knowing when I am going to see them again is challenging.  I am supposed to start nursing school in May and there is so much unknown with my school schedule and the kids school schedule right now.  I can’t wait until I have the opportunity to go back to Illinois and hug my grandma…. until then we will just increase the video chats. 

There are many aspects of the “new normal” that I like – the slower pace and less pressure of a schedule.  I have found a lot of time for projects around the house and find it helpful to keep my mind of things.  So far we have hung a shade on the back porch, put up 3 ceiling fans, painted the hallway upstairs, painted the dresser in Riley’s rooms, painted Landon’s room, rearranged/cleaned/purged the kid’s rooms, cleaned the carpets and Pat is in the process of building me the table I requested for the entry.  I am running out of projects though, so I am going to try to do some things for myself I have long thought of doing.  I want to become more skilled with the settings on my camera.  I have a stack of books to read.  I would like to get back into running.  Actually, I need to do these things.  I need to keep my mind busy and find ways to cope with my anxieties.  Here’s hoping….