This is not going to be your typical blog post from me – no
updates on the kids. I will say they are
doing well and adjusting to what has been called our “new normal.” I am sure that I will get an actual updated
post on them in the near future, but this one is about me.
I have dealt with feelings of anxiety my whole life. If you
imagine, an average person lives life at a level 1 and a “simple” stressor (ie
being late) brings them up to a 2 and it increases from there based on the
person and the stressor. I live my live
somewhere between a 3 and a 4 on the daily, so even something as “simple” as
being late puts me at a 5. Dirty/unorganized house = me at a 6, whereas someone
without an anxiety disorder may never even get to a level 6. Now this pandemic has me pushing levels I
have never reached before. I have had
MANY crying spells, several moments of panic and rapid breathing, heart
palpitations, nausea, headaches, and what can only be called depressive
episodes. Most of my feelings of anxiety
stem from situations where I feel out of control – and how in the hell does one
feel in control during a national crisis? I worry about EVERYTHING. I HAD to buy Lysol and Clorox wipes and
toilet paper in the beginning because I felt like I didn’t have enough. The panic of others increased my anxiety, but
buying those items put me back in control again for a little bit. I HAD to double my usual grocery order
because I was afraid of not having enough.
I HAD to stockpile meat and canned goods and snacks for the kids. I HAD to get craft supplies and paper and
school supplies and projects to keep them busy.
My head was telling me that I HAD to do all of these things in order to
“survive” and my heart knew better, but the head one that round. I am trying not to let my head win anymore,
but each day presents a new challenge. Most
days are “okay” but more than once I have found myself crying in the shower or
my closet because I don’t want the kids to see my fear. Pat told me once when I was worried about ALL
the things I need to take care of that his job isn’t easy either, he has to
take care of me. He asks me many times a
day if I am okay, if I am sure I am okay, if there is anything he can do for me
and the answer is always that I am fine and there is nothing he can do. Really there isn’t anything anyone else can
do for me – I have to do “it” for myself.
I have to make the decisions to not let things overwhelm me. I have to make the decision to step back and stay
in control of what I can and not worry about what I can’t control – which is a
tough thing to do when so much of the world feels out of control right now.
I am grateful to have a job and also terrified to go to work
every day. The kids have not left the
house/neighborhood/car since March 14th. We spent the days before that gathering some
extra groceries and supplies for some projects around the house. We had several long conversations with them
about “the virus” and how it was going to impact our daily life and
routine. We talked about how we would be
going out less in order to protect ourselves and others. We discussed the importance of washing our
hands. We explained to them that daddy
would be staying home, school would be done at home, all activities (tball,
swimming, dance, scouts) were cancelled, and that mommy would still have to go
to work. The hardest part for them is
that Mommy still has to go to work and until two days ago, they were handling
it all pretty well. We have seen a lot
of regression/difficult behaviors in the last few days. There has been an increase in meltdowns and
tears and I can see the anxiety on Riley’s little face especially. She is worried and frustrated and doesn’t
know how to handle it – seems like I have passed my anxiety on to my little
one. Trying to help her cope with her
feelings is only causing my feelings of anxiety to increase. Her anxiety is just another worry to add to
my (currently long) list. My amazing
neighbor has loaned me some books and resources for Riley, but I am hoping that
they can help me as well. I think we are
both in need of some coping strategies for sure.
The hardest part for me to handle was having to cancel my trip
back to Illinois for Easter. I miss my
family and it is very hard for me to be away from them at a time like
this. I acknowledge that I am not the
only one that is struggling with this right now. In fact, I am kind of grateful that my family
is so far away because I would find it ridiculously challenging to not see my
family if they were in the same town! All these pictures on Facebook of people
taking their kids to see grandparents through doors and windows make me tear up
every single time! The not knowing when I am going to see them again is
challenging. I am supposed to start
nursing school in May and there is so much unknown with my school schedule and
the kids school schedule right now. I
can’t wait until I have the opportunity to go back to Illinois and hug my grandma….
until then we will just increase the video chats.
There are many aspects of the “new normal” that I like – the
slower pace and less pressure of a schedule.
I have found a lot of time for projects around the house and find it
helpful to keep my mind of things. So
far we have hung a shade on the back porch, put up 3 ceiling fans, painted the
hallway upstairs, painted the dresser in Riley’s rooms, painted Landon’s room,
rearranged/cleaned/purged the kid’s rooms, cleaned the carpets and Pat is in
the process of building me the table I requested for the entry. I am running out of projects though, so I am
going to try to do some things for myself I have long thought of doing. I want to become more skilled with the
settings on my camera. I have a stack of
books to read. I would like to get back
into running. Actually, I need to do these
things. I need to keep my mind busy and
find ways to cope with my anxieties.
Here’s hoping….
