Friday, May 15, 2020

'Rona, 'Rona Go Away...


Friday, April 10, 2020

Not your typical post...


This is not going to be your typical blog post from me – no updates on the kids.  I will say they are doing well and adjusting to what has been called our “new normal.”  I am sure that I will get an actual updated post on them in the near future, but this one is about me.  

I have dealt with feelings of anxiety my whole life. If you imagine, an average person lives life at a level 1 and a “simple” stressor (ie being late) brings them up to a 2 and it increases from there based on the person and the stressor.  I live my live somewhere between a 3 and a 4 on the daily, so even something as “simple” as being late puts me at a 5. Dirty/unorganized house = me at a 6, whereas someone without an anxiety disorder may never even get to a level 6.  Now this pandemic has me pushing levels I have never reached before.  I have had MANY crying spells, several moments of panic and rapid breathing, heart palpitations, nausea, headaches, and what can only be called depressive episodes.  Most of my feelings of anxiety stem from situations where I feel out of control – and how in the hell does one feel in control during a national crisis? I worry about EVERYTHING.  I HAD to buy Lysol and Clorox wipes and toilet paper in the beginning because I felt like I didn’t have enough.  The panic of others increased my anxiety, but buying those items put me back in control again for a little bit.  I HAD to double my usual grocery order because I was afraid of not having enough.  I HAD to stockpile meat and canned goods and snacks for the kids.  I HAD to get craft supplies and paper and school supplies and projects to keep them busy.  My head was telling me that I HAD to do all of these things in order to “survive” and my heart knew better, but the head one that round.  I am trying not to let my head win anymore, but each day presents a new challenge.  Most days are “okay” but more than once I have found myself crying in the shower or my closet because I don’t want the kids to see my fear.  Pat told me once when I was worried about ALL the things I need to take care of that his job isn’t easy either, he has to take care of me.  He asks me many times a day if I am okay, if I am sure I am okay, if there is anything he can do for me and the answer is always that I am fine and there is nothing he can do.  Really there isn’t anything anyone else can do for me – I have to do “it” for myself.  I have to make the decisions to not let things overwhelm me.  I have to make the decision to step back and stay in control of what I can and not worry about what I can’t control – which is a tough thing to do when so much of the world feels out of control right now. 

I am grateful to have a job and also terrified to go to work every day.  The kids have not left the house/neighborhood/car since March 14th.  We spent the days before that gathering some extra groceries and supplies for some projects around the house.  We had several long conversations with them about “the virus” and how it was going to impact our daily life and routine.  We talked about how we would be going out less in order to protect ourselves and others.  We discussed the importance of washing our hands.  We explained to them that daddy would be staying home, school would be done at home, all activities (tball, swimming, dance, scouts) were cancelled, and that mommy would still have to go to work.  The hardest part for them is that Mommy still has to go to work and until two days ago, they were handling it all pretty well.  We have seen a lot of regression/difficult behaviors in the last few days.  There has been an increase in meltdowns and tears and I can see the anxiety on Riley’s little face especially.  She is worried and frustrated and doesn’t know how to handle it – seems like I have passed my anxiety on to my little one.  Trying to help her cope with her feelings is only causing my feelings of anxiety to increase.  Her anxiety is just another worry to add to my (currently long) list.  My amazing neighbor has loaned me some books and resources for Riley, but I am hoping that they can help me as well.  I think we are both in need of some coping strategies for sure. 

The hardest part for me to handle was having to cancel my trip back to Illinois for Easter.  I miss my family and it is very hard for me to be away from them at a time like this.  I acknowledge that I am not the only one that is struggling with this right now.  In fact, I am kind of grateful that my family is so far away because I would find it ridiculously challenging to not see my family if they were in the same town! All these pictures on Facebook of people taking their kids to see grandparents through doors and windows make me tear up every single time! The not knowing when I am going to see them again is challenging.  I am supposed to start nursing school in May and there is so much unknown with my school schedule and the kids school schedule right now.  I can’t wait until I have the opportunity to go back to Illinois and hug my grandma…. until then we will just increase the video chats. 

There are many aspects of the “new normal” that I like – the slower pace and less pressure of a schedule.  I have found a lot of time for projects around the house and find it helpful to keep my mind of things.  So far we have hung a shade on the back porch, put up 3 ceiling fans, painted the hallway upstairs, painted the dresser in Riley’s rooms, painted Landon’s room, rearranged/cleaned/purged the kid’s rooms, cleaned the carpets and Pat is in the process of building me the table I requested for the entry.  I am running out of projects though, so I am going to try to do some things for myself I have long thought of doing.  I want to become more skilled with the settings on my camera.  I have a stack of books to read.  I would like to get back into running.  Actually, I need to do these things.  I need to keep my mind busy and find ways to cope with my anxieties.  Here’s hoping….